Untamed, Unraveled, Unstoppable

 “You do not just wake up and become the butterfly. Growth is a process.” 

– Rupi Kaur

I’m in a mastermind group for female entrepreneurs. The eleven of us range in age from mid-thirties to mid-fifties. We are a healthy mix of new business owners and seasoned ones. Our businesses represent a broad mix of industries: wellness, learning, self-care, life adventures and retail. Meetings include a mix of coaching each other through real-time challenges, discussions of podcasts and books, plus a healthy dose of mutual cheerleading to support us in realizing our dreams. For this week’s gathering, we plan to discuss Brené Brown’s podcast with author Glennon Doyle about her book, Untamed. I’ve not yet read the book but plan to after listening.

So after a long stretch of grey and rainy days, we enjoyed a blast of dry, sunny weather. I indulged myself yesterday afternoon by taking an hour on my deck, my face turned up to absorb the sun as I listened to Brené and Glennon discuss the book. Before tuning in, I admit I had no idea that Glennon was the author of a wildly popular blog, Momastery, nor the author of two best-selling books, nor the wife to soccer star, Abby Wambach. (Side note: Abby’s book Wolfpack is a great one to listen to, especially if you have daughters. It’s just over an hour long and when you finish you will want to go back to listen to it all over again.

Untamed focuses on the idea of what happens when a woman (Glennon) stops trying to live a “tamed” life -- one shaped by the social programming we experience from youth through adulthood that shapes the expectations we have of ourselves and that others have for us -- and starts living “untamed, returning to her authentic self.”  Like me, Glennon is in her mid-forties.

Some quotes from their dialogue that resonated deeply:

From Glennon:

“Faith...is a belief in the unseen order of things.”

“Dreaming is a form of planning.” (first said by Gloria Steinem)

“There is no such thing as one-way liberation. When we free ourselves we automatically free everyone around us. When we grant ourselves permission to live as our truest selves, we automatically grant permission to everyone around us to do the same. The most loving, motherly, life-saving thing a woman can do is to know herself, be herself, and go for what she wants, unapologetically.”

From Brené:

“My whole being -- especially since my early 40s, has been to reconcile what lives in my imagination and my dream of what could be with what I am actually in...and when those things do not reflect one another, something is wrong...”

The conversation was thought-provoking and reminded me of a powerful essay that Brené wrote, “The Midlife Unraveling.”  In it, she speaks with candor and vulnerability about the dissonance many of us experience as we enter our midlife chapter, wondering how to reconcile the life we are living with the life we imagine for ourselves.  

Almost a year ago, I stepped off the NYC subway onto Roosevelt Island, on my way to visit the Cornell Tech campus as part of a learning expedition. It was a beautiful spring day -- the grass was emerald green, the trees were bursting with pink flowers, and the East River was sparkling in the sun. 

Several events over the previous months catalyzed my own journey toward untaming and unraveling -- starting my Ed.D. program with deeply reflective coursework on leadership; participation in a design thinking project with several warm, creative, like-minded people who helped to remind me of who I am and the work I love to do; and a health scare for my husband (he is ok!) that put my personal priorities into stark and clear perspective. 

As I walked to the Cornell Tech campus, emboldened by the clarity I felt in that moment about the person I wanted to be, I took my phone out of my pocket to call my husband to share what I was thinking and feeling. He listened with love and unwavering support. Our conversation triggered a set of decisions that led me to leave my secure, steady, Associate Dean role at Tuck for a life of unknowns and hope-filled new adventures. It was terrifying, exhilarating, bittersweet. For the first time in many months, I felt strong, free and clear. Unstoppable.

Many tools helped me reconnect with the me I hoped to be. Books like Designing Your Life and Find Your Why gave helpful frameworks to guide me through a process of self-rediscovery. My executive coaching sessions with the wonderful Avery Roth helped me to embrace my human Venn Diagram of interests, passions, and abilities. That summer, I took relaxed, unstructured time with family and friends in the woods, mountains and along the ocean to reflect and process and to reconnect and recharge.

I began to pursue the idea of a portfolio career that would allow me to adjust the “dials” on my different interests (lifelong learning/higher education, entrepreneurship, gender equity) and abilities and strengths (collaborative leadership, creative problem solving, zesty energy, analytical thinking). I reconnected with friends Amy and Ashley over a late summer life-changing lunch and within weeks our company became a meaningful part of my portfolio. 

The COVID-19 crisis and ensuing social distancing measures have put the experiential, in-person workshops we offer at Connection 101 on indefinite hold. This is a major, unexpected challenge for our new business. I’m deeply grateful for the collaborative, creative and supportive culture we have built that supports us as we question, learn, test, iterate and start again in the process of piloting an online version of our workshops. In the midst of the uncertainty, we know who we are, and who we want to be, and in living true to that vision, we are closer to more positive outcomes.

As I watch the way this crisis impacts how people learn -- today and likely into the future -- I’m drawn to be part of building a future that marries the best of online and in-person learning. I’ve experienced the benefits of both approaches and am so incredibly excited about what is possible for future learners if we grasp this moment to reimagine our process with new creativity and confidence. With Amy and Ashley’s full support, I’m currently exploring ways I might collaborate and work with the organizations that are leading, supporting and developing solutions to lead education through this evolution. 

What that might look like within my portfolio is still anyone’s guess -- with every thoughtful conversation I have with people I network with, I learn a little bit more about the work that is taking place and how I might make a positive impact. Amidst moments of uncertainty, often fueled by the instability of today’s economy, I rely on my faith -- that belief in the unseen order of things, to quote Glennon -- that what my portfolio will become in the coming weeks and months will reflect all that is unstoppable in me.

These are vulnerable times -- most obviously for the brave and incredible people serving our communities in a multitude of ways, and the families who are fighting this virus as patients and as caretakers. And they are vulnerable for the rest of us, too, as we long for normalcy in a world that seems to reveal even more unknowns with each passing day. 

Throughout our lives, we go through times of boundary-pushing, confidence-testing change. Sometimes it is of our own doing, and often it is prompted by events completely out of our control. You may be in the midst of your own midlife awakening, or you may be trying to find your way through the unexpected challenge of this COVID-19 cocoon. Or perhaps, like me, you may be in the midst of both.

It is helpful to remember our friend the butterfly, who enters the world as a caterpillar. She goes through a painful, challenging process of metamorphosis without the knowledge she will emerge from that struggle as a brilliant, strong and beautiful butterfly, free to fly and soar unbounded. 

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The CRAVE list

Cook:

This week’s recipe theme: recipes from tried and true sources.

Za’atar chicken bowl, Gwyneth Paltrow’s The Clean Plate. Archer made this — I enjoyed it so much I asked if we could eat it once a week. And we didn’t even make the tahini sauce. DELICIOUS.

Heidi Swanson’s Curried Tomato Tortellini Soup. I’ve made this soup almost every week since I tried the recipe earlier this winter. It’s deeply satisfying — the tomato, curry, red lentils and greens with the added bonus of tortellini (YUM!) — and super healthy.

Read:

Book: I devoured Wild Game by Adrienne Brodeur in 2 days. A memoir that reads like a novel, it tells the complicated story of a mother-daughter relationship — I’m not saying much more so you can allow the story to unfold and pull you in in your own reading. Once you’ve read the book, Gretchen Rubin has a great interview with her on her podcast.

Absorb:

Class: I’m taking the free Yale course “The Science of Well-Being” — want to join me? I completed week 1’s coursework over coffee yesterday morning. Its been called the most popular course at Yale, and I’m always game to learn new things.

Podcasts: After listening to Dan Harris’ interview with Sharon Salzberg and finding her voice and perspective so grounding, I went looking for more.

I listened to this interview with Cal Newport a few weeks ago and plan to listen to it again — Cal is known for his thoughts on digital minimalism and the concept of deep work — the extra bonus is he’s interviewed here by my friend and former colleague, Syd Finkelstein.

Venture: 

Just over a week ago, we added a new puppy, Charlie, to our house. As we navigate such a cuckoo time and find ourselves largely home-bound, it seemed as good a time as any to add a puppy to the mix! This is somewhat shocking to most people who know me — until about three years ago, I was very afraid of dogs of all kinds. I had a traumatic bite incident around age eleven that made me very apprehensive around all dogs. I never thought I would own one dog, let alone two. We got Morey, our cavapoo, in response to pleas from my daughters almost three years ago, and now I cannot imagine life without her. Charlie is now part of the family, and although I’m exhausted, we’re enjoying having even more love and joy in the house.

Exercise:

I started running consistently in college, and the rhythmic, one-two pattern of steps that take me outside into nature has been a great friend for many years. As I’ve gotten older, my 4 - 5 day a week running schedule has gone down to 1 or 2 days to keep my joints happy. I don’t know if it’s spring arriving, or being house bound, but I find myself eagerlylacing up my running sneakers more often than usual these days. Maybe you are too?

Until next time, be safe, be healthy, and be well.