BRAVING Through Discomfort

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”

—President Barack Obama

Gwen is my mother-in-law. She is both funny and wise, with twinkly blue eyes, a beautiful smile, and the emotional resiliency of Yoda. She has lived so much life in her eighty-five years, and I often find comfort in her wisdom.

She divorced my father-in-law after thirty-eight years of marriage – a life experience she neither expected nor planned. As she attempted to figure out how to put her life back together in a meaningful way, her brother shared a sage piece of advice: as you experience the highs and lows of your emotions, allow yourself to feel it all. Imagine yourself riding a rollercoaster, and hold on – especially for the scary, sad, and hard parts. If you stop yourself from feeling all of the feelings, you will have to relive them all over again later.

Over the last two weeks, I’ve found myself repeating that advice in my head, again and again, as I try to process and understand the many emotions and physical reactions I’ve felt in response to the racial injustice in our country and my process to understand and define my responsibility to bring about change. Grief. Tears. Anger. Heat. Fear. Overwhelm. Exhaustion. Shame. Awareness. Wonder. Glimmers of Hope. 

As an entrepreneur, the “birth” of a new product is also layered with emotion and the physical experience of those emotions. Gwen’s advice rings true in this part of my life, too: Boundless creativity! Energy! Exhaustion. Frustration. Take a breath. We can do this. Teamwork makes the dream work. Surprise. Joy. It worked! Look at what we did! Pride. Contentment. Relief.

The day after George Floyd was killed, my Connection 101 partners and I started an eleven-person pilot of our Online offering, which concluded ten days later. Our pilot group included men and women from across the country, and the meaning behind our work to strengthen human connection felt more palpable than ever. As each session unfolded, we found our workshops offered a powerful scaffolding for the conversations we are having with ourselves – and with one another – in today’s uncertain world. One of our participants shared this about her experience:

“During a time when our communities are in pain and there is so much uncertainty around health and wellbeing, it was refreshing to attend a virtual workshop with facilitators and participants looking to learn more about our strengths and how to connect to build more positive relationships. Connection 101 helped me to identify and name my personal Character Strengths, Core Values, and Leadership and Communication Styles. Through conversations with other participants, meaningful activities, and thoughtful facilitation, I both learned more about myself and have actionable ideas to take into the groups where I work. Thank you!”

Selfishly, our pilot project offered two gifts – the first, a tangible realization of many hours invested to create a meaningful product, and second, the unexpected opportunity to build community with an exceptional group of people in a time that became even more uncertain with every day. We are excited to build on our momentum by sharing our online program more broadly with the world. It is a meaningful way for me and my co-founders to share our framework for stronger connection with more people to help us all move forward. Please reach out to me here if you are interested in learning more.

I hit the trails for a long run yesterday morning to try to make sense of all I’ve experienced in the last two weeks and found myself reflecting on Brené Brown’s framework for trust, which she calls BRAVING, and Cal Newport’s book Digital Minimalism, which I recently completed reading.

Brown created the acronym BRAVING to define the components of trust:

Boundaries | You respect my boundaries, and when you’re not clear about what’s okay and not okay, you ask. You’re willing to say no.

Reliability | You do what you say you’ll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t over-promise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.

Accountability | You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.

Vault | You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.

Integrity | You choose courage over comfort. You choose what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. And you choose to practice your values rather than simply professing them.

Nonjudgment | I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.

Generosity | You extend the most generous interpretation possible to the intentions, words, and actions of others.

The racial injustice in our country is, at its core, a breaking of trust. The Declaration of Independence boldly and bravely states:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Yet these self-evident truths have only applied to some of the people who live, work, and breathe in our country – white people, and more specifically, white men. As a white woman of privilege, I embrace and accept I have learning and growth ahead of me to more deeply understand the systemic racism that has led us to where we are today, and that I have benefitted from in my lifetime. Like many others, acknowledging and accepting these realities is far from easy. And also like many others, I am committed to doing the work.

It is time to lead with integrity – to choose courage over comfort, as Brené poetically states, and to immerse in reading, listening, and learning to deepen understanding and better enable the fight for real change. It is time to be accountable for the injustices we have allowed to go on for far too long and to acknowledge our collective responsibility to address the inequities of the world. We must be reliable in following through with this work and keep the momentum toward real change moving forward. We will honor boundaries by no longer staying quiet when people around us say or do things that violate our beliefs about what is right and just, especially about how we respect the rights and needs of others.

As we move through the coming weeks and months of learning, growing, and seeking understanding, we must do so with nonjudgment and generous assumptions toward all people. So many people of all colors, shapes, sizes, and gender arrive at this moment struggling to gain understanding. We will move forward faster, together, by being generous in our assumptions about intentions and by creating spaces for people to express their feelings and to have challenging conversations without fear of being judged. We will honor Brown’s concept of the vault by listening and appreciating each other’s stories and respecting them for what they are without feeling the need to share them in search of deeper connection with others, building deeper empathy and understanding.

All of the above requires focus and intention, which is at its core, what Newport strives to help us achieve through “digital minimalism.” He encourages us to become aware of the many ways we become distracted by our devices as we try to engage in “deep work” – by the bright red notification signs begging us to respond to texts and emails, and by the “slot machine” inspired mechanics that invite us to “refresh our feeds” on the mobile apps of Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, drawing us further and further into their attention spirals. He does not suggest we should stop using technology;  rather, he encourages us to be intentional in the ways we choose to engage with technology to improve our lives, versus allowing technology providers to dictate our use of their offerings. 

About a week ago, I picked up my phone with the intention to look at my Facebook feed. As I did so, I became aware of a sense of dread, not joy. Scrolling through feeds had become a source of noise and repetition and an easily accessible distraction rather than enjoyment. Empowered by Newport’s philosophy, I deleted the app from my phone, and later that day, deactivated my account. Almost immediately, I felt a sense of relief, which helped to confirm I’d made the right decision.  I’ve not looked back since.

I’ve also started using the Do Not Disturb function on my phone and computer during the day (in addition to the nighttime, which helps me have better sleep) to minimize distraction from email and text notifications. Rather than feel obligated to reply to every incoming email and text as I receive them, I schedule times throughout the day to review and reply as needed. Again, I’ve found a sense of deep and admittedly unexpected relief. I underestimated the amount of noise and distraction that I’d allowed to take up space in my life. My intention is to capitalize on my increased capacity for focus and clarity to have more time for what I value and need most right now – my family and friends, my desire to support people in connecting with transformative educational experiences, and last but not least, learning and growing to support my ability to support the social justice movement. 

I’ll close this week with a loving-kindness meditation that has been particularly comforting to me in these times -- you begin by saying the meditation for yourself, and then move on to sharing it with people you love, with people you have challenges with, and finally, the greater world around you. Perhaps you will find it helpful, too.

May you be happy. 

May you be healthy. 

May you be safe. 

May you be peaceful and at ease.

CRAVE list

Cook:

Bryant Terry’s amazing green rice is indeed, amazing. It includes many of my favorite flavors -- greens, coconut milk, ginger, garlic, rice. I loved it so much I ordered his recent cookbook, Vegetable Kingdom.

Read:

I’ve almost finished Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, which I mentioned a few posts back. It is hard to describe the book without sounding like a fangirl. Her writing is authentic and real and open, and the style of the book is in mini-chapters, so it is perfect for picking up and putting down as you need. 

I’m turning my attention to Layla Saad’s Me and White Supremacy (on Audible, as the print version is sold out). I appreciated this podcast featuring Saad a while back and look forward to learning more from her.

Absorb + Venture:

I found this 21-Day Racial Equity Challenge while reading a recent resource list for individuals who want to learn more about social justice. Would you like to join me in completing the challenge? The challenge is to “do one action to further your understanding of power, privilege, supremacy, oppression, and equity” each day, and includes suggestions for readings, podcasts, videos, observations, reflections, and inspirations. 

Exercise:

My dogs and the gorgeous early summer weather have led me out on the trails for runs and hikes in Norwich more frequently. I’ve been pushing myself to try new trails instead of returning again and again to my favorite standbys. Brookmead is a new favorite, especially in the early morning.

If you like to spin and have access to a Peloton or the Peloton app and a spin bike, Tunde Oyeneyin’s 30-minute Speak Up ride is a must. She challenges riders in body and spirit and does so beautifully and powerfully. Christine D’Ercole’s 20 minute Asian Heritage ride and 20-minute Low Impact ride from May 31  are each a perfect combination of unexpected cycling music (mostly instrumental, and even some cello) and thoughtful words to help guide us through these times.